02.

 

I Want To Live 
Even in a generation with people wanting to die 

It's an irony that I live in a generation where people constantly use dying as a joke. And honestly, sometimes I do too. It's an even bigger irony that I'm a Christian, whereby dying means I'm closer to the arms of God, where no pain or suffering exists. But still, I'm scared of dying. I want to live, very desperately, if I may add. 

There is a theory that your brain stays active for another 7 minutes after your heart beats for the last time, and everyone is hoping that their partners will be in their "7 minutes."  There are times when my heart stings for no reason and I'll stay so still, hoping that I'll not see my 7 minutes. From time to time, I cry over the fact that I will never know what happens after death. What's truly on the other side? Every time these thoughts creep up, I hold my blanket a bit closer to me than usual; I hold my pig soft toy a bit closer to me than usual. 

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But why do I so desperately want to live? 

Other than being scared of dying, I guess I'm also scared of being alone. 

I'm a huge introvert, and I'd rather stick to people I know than make new friends at an event, which makes people assume I'm alright at being alone. No, I'm terrible at being alone. Facing death would mean I'll be leaving people and things behind for a while before they come and join me. And perhaps leaving people behind is harder than I expect. Leaving my friends, whom I can still visit from time to time, to go to another school already took me months to decide. 

What about when I die? When will I get to see them again? 

 My uncle once told me that once I die, I'm of no use because a dead person can't do anything. And that's the truth. Nothing in life is final—until it's over. Hard times are not permanent; assignments and exams are not permanent; but so are good times. Good times don't last, yet I still want to live. I want to live to see and experience the good times until they disappear and perish, but I have hope that as long as I live, the good times will appear again with God's timing. As long as I'm breathing, I have the chance to see these good, bad, so-so times, and that's good enough for me. 

As a Christian since birth, I have Bible verses to back up what happens after death. Many in fact. Some bring me comfort to know that all is well in the arms of Christ. Some bring me confusion because I don't understand or can't imagine them. I always had this thought that I had to be fine with dying because every other Christian seemed that way. And the truth is, I'm excited to see what a world where pain, sickness, war, poverty, and every bad thing don't exist; I really am excited. But deep down, the thought of living there forever and ever scares me. When will it end? Oh, it won't. And it will never end. The thought that I'm just "passing by" Earth, just to end up in heaven, scares me too because I have dreams I want to achieve. So when I die, what will the dreams become? What if I have unachieved dreams? Can I ever see them becoming fulfilled? 

Perhaps I also wanted to think that I matter. It's often mentioned that true love happens after you die. People start to appreciate what you've done after you're long gone. And I want to feel loved, but what's the use of feeling loved when you can't physically give it back? I want to love and feel loved. So what better way than to live and give the love given to me back? I want to receive flowers on my birthdays, not during my funerals. I want to smell the flowers and take pictures of them and smile every time I see them. I want to unite with all my friends in a cafe, not when I'm in the coffin. I want to see their smiles and hear their laughter when we talk about past events.

I think I just want to live and experience life as a living human. 

Although I'm not really over dying, I have the hope that things will go well. And hopefully, I'll come to accept death—not as a close friend, but it will be good enough if I can accept death as something that has to happen. Winter has to pass for spring to appear. Maybe my actions will live longer than I do, serving as a foundation for people who will come after me. 

I love living, even in this broken world. Truly, I do, even in a generation where dying acts as something unimportant. And if you're finding it hard to live, just know that things change. I've changed, I'm changing, and I'll change. Time never waits for anyone— not even for the hard things you're facing now. ❤️